I finally made my decision. I will take Laura out of school when this school year is finished! I will apply for homeschooling but I am not too pushed with it because of various reasons. I hope I will find people who can support us and go the same way. I am actually excited and feeling sick on the other hand because I know what my mum will say. But I want to do it and that is all that matter.
Wish me luck 
not in succeeding but in being strong myself
Children will not learn when forced to do so. And in forcing children we create a list of negative aspects around it:
- Parents and children get upset
- They stress themselves
- There is a risk of losing the relationship if it is not already lost because we do not show respect to their wishes
- We could create a life-time long hate towards learning
- Learning is associated with failure and sometimes shame
So why do we still force children to learn? What if we start to let go of this pressure we feel towards children and their success? If we start to let them decide when and what they want to learn? Children will not learn when we do not force them to do so (that’s our belief) but we will have a complete different kind of list:
- Parents and children don’t get upset
- They do not stress themselves
- There is no risk of losing the relationship unless we show absolutely no interest in the children at all
- We would create a life-time long love towards learning
- Learning will be associated with pleasure and success
And on top of it, they may as well start learning NOW!
So why do we still choose to force them? Why can we not accept them as they are? Why do we have to measure them? And do show them love when they please us and disappointment when they fail?
Every one of us wants the best for our children. But what is the best for us? Do we consider ourselves as being the best, behaving at our best at all times? If you want my opinion: We are not! How can you expect to raise your children to be best at everything? How can you expect to raise children peacefully while sending mixed messages? If you act one way but say differently it is hard for a child to learn the right things. And children are very sensitive to that; they feel that there is something not right.
If we treat our children differently than ourselves, we might send the message that children are only liked when they do what they are told to do, when they please us. We might think that we do the best for them even if that involves treating them less respectful. But what do you think will children think? They may not necessarily be able to verbalise it but they might feel it. Do they think that you want their best or do they think that you like them less than yourself?
Let’s look at yourself: How do you see yourself? How do you treat yourself? How much do you love yourself? Who do you think is more important: your child or you?
Do you always live healthily? Eat the proper meals, the most nutritional? Are you eating an excessive amount of sweets and crisps? Are you exercising? Are you drinking, smoking and watching telly? Are you sleeping the right amount of hours?
Are you always nice to yourself? Do you make yourself feel guilty sometimes? Do you recognise your limits and communicate them? Do you feel content with yourself? Are you happy to be on your own? Does your happiness depend on others?
I haven’t heard your answers but most people are inclined to reply that they do things but do not want their children to do them. My assumption would be since we want our children to live a better life that those parents do love themselves less. Why else would they like to change their children and not themselves? And don’t forget children would think just the opposite because they feel they need to change and better themselves in order to be loved. If you want your child feel loved and you want them to develop at their best, you should first treat yourself better. Children learn a lot from what they see. They will pick up the things you do eventually.
If you think you may just try to be a better role model without feeling that way, you will be in a constant fight against yourself. You will be unhappy with yourself and children will pick up on that quite easily.
If you are yourself but want your children to act, behave and live better than you, you will be in a constant battle with your own child simply because what children see differs so much from what they hear from you. How can you send a proper message that living healthy is better for their wellbeing if you do not eat healthy yourself? How can you convince them that looking after oneself is important if you do not look after yourself?
If you look after yourself, your child will learn from you how to look after himself/herself. If you stop judging yourself and stop feeling guilty your child will have a better outlook of himself/herself.
We send messages that life is hard when we make it out like that. We also send the message that other people matter more than oneself. And when we do so, we are unhappy with ourselves and that again we send out that to the children. How can we expect them to have a positive outlook on life itself? If we constantly give the message that children have to learn to achieve the highest mark/points otherwise they will not get jobs and without jobs it is hard to survive, we cannot be surprised if teenagers end up being frustrated. They realised early enough that they cannot stand up to the pressure; they are not able to perform as expected and then give up because what is the point to keep going?
If we start loving ourselves, we then will be able to love others. If we start respecting ourselves, we will be able to respect others. If we accept ourselves, we will accept that others are different. If we stop judging ourselves, we will stop judging others.
Most books say don’t give in or they will learn to use crying as a technique to get everything they want. They may try I don’t doubt it but does it have to come to the crying in the first place? Sometimes parents create those situation for the child to learn that they cannot have everything. Who says so? Just because children want things does not mean they need this thing in particular. And again, why does it have to come to this in the first place? Why do children want “everything”?
There are two sides to it. One side is the material side. Children ask for toys, sweet whatever when they pass them I supermarkets. I don’t doubt that they do, my children do ask, too. But it is the reaction to a NO that matters. Sometimes, they get whatever they want, because I get myself what I want and sometimes I have no money and I cant buy it then as I sometimes cant buy things myself. So we are on equal terms. My NOs are honest and they understand. 
They may not like it, who does like a NO especially if you were looking forward to something. Children do react this way if they know they get the attention they need from us, the parents regardless. They do not even need to do something marvellous and appraisable, they get it anyway.
There is a little story. A man comes home from New York after 4 weeks. His mind is still full of thoughts and he hardly acknowledge his wife. No kisses, no hugs, no sex. The wife wonders why not, does he not like her anymore? After the first night, she gets even worried. Husbands went to work this morning and comes home the evening. Again, no hugs, no kisses, no sex. The wife really gets worried now. She asked her husband to go somewhere with her, so she organises something for the weekend. He just says yes to please her. So the weekend comes and still, no real affections. Husband and wife walk along the main street towards a pub. On the way the wife sees something in the jewellery shop. She asked her husband if she can have it and feeling guilty her husband buys the ring. She feels loved again, she bought her a token. So what would that say about children? Children, who do not get attention/love when needed, when parents work or are otherwise distracted in their home, they will have the “need” to ask for a love token. Children who are loved and appreciated (and I am not talking about our intentions) will have no such need. They may still want things but they are easily settled if they cannot get it. I sometimes find my daughter saying that she wants this or that. We can talk about what she likes and why she likes it but that is about it. It does not necessarily means she WANTS it right now.
The other side of wanting everything is love and attentions. Most parents more or unconsciously make time tables when to give children love and attention and most of all time. This is called “quality time” and it suits the parents in the first place. Children will enjoy it, too. But why does it have to be times and measured? Children are different; they need love and attention at different times. So if you have two, they have different needs and those needs should be met differently. Each child should be taken differently. So “quality time” is again a method one uses (because the books tells them that) to give the child the attention and love they need to thrive. But love and attention should be given whenever it is needed and not be timed on a timetable. If I need a hug now and don’t really want to wait until 9 at night either. In using a timetable for this, we create a life that is far from natural but mostly pleases the parents. Or they use attention such as praise and/or the withdrawal of attention/love such as ignoring on the child’s behaviour either to get them to do something good again and again or to stop them from something “bad”. But why do we use attention in such a way? Why do children have to proof that they deserve love? We have love for everyone else without them to do something that pleases us. So why do we not have love for our children? And why do we stop at some stage of our children’s lives to meet their needs? Is it fear of them being spoilt? But how can we expect children to be lovable and give all the love and affection back. I only know one friend who is able to do that and I am amazed with that every time.
But overall the most important thing is not to lose oneself in the process of raising children. Not to play a role to achieve something. On the contrary be yourself and show children that it is ok to be yourself, not be afraid of being yourself. Children learn from what they see, not from what you tell them. And mostly most things we want children to do, we do not do ourselves. So we are sending mixed messages anyway. If we are happy with ourselves, we will be confident in raising our children simply be living the life and take every day in as it comes. If we are not happy with ourselves we have to change whatever it is that bothers us about ourselves
Besides, giving in is nothing bad either. It is funny, when children are stubborn we usually use the term “trying to get their own will”. When adults are stubborn, its called “being consequent”. Why is it accepted for adults to try to get their will and not for children? Children do what they see. So when we give in, down the years children will give in to. It cannot be predicted and there is no need to do so but it is still better to act naturally and be authentic than trying to pretend someone you are not. There is not much positive learning for children in it, if parents try to act out a role. And it is not really a giving it, it is the skill children learned to give and take.
Last thing is that the danger situation. Especially if there is danger around the corner or right there and you as the adult can see it, be authentic and act on it. Its impulsive anyway. Its also honest. So my advise is be yourself, be honest, be a guide but do not push your point, share your information. The only person one can change is oneself.
I posted this video of Alfie Kohn, who describes “Unconditional Parenting” on facebook and I got an answer of a mum who fully rejected it. I know everyone has their own opinion and they are entitled to but I can understand an opinion fully if one knows both (or more sides). This is my answer to it.
I can see it is daunting when you heard of it the first time but I can assure you it is a fabulous living together with your child/children. Loving a child unconditionally means, you love your child regardless if s/he doesnt say please or thank you. Those two words are an “invention” from adults which indicates someone is polite. But what is more important? A child who is polite and not even know what s/he is doing or a child who is considerate? Besides, do you not think, a child will learn eventually when those words are spoken naturally by other family members? Are they not vocabulary? We do not teach our children to talk, they learn! And if you provide words and interact with them they will pick up on them. Children say Please and Thank You because they are made to do it and most of them do not even understand why. Same is with saying: You are sorry. I do not think I child feels sorry after hitting another child. They may just say it to avoid being sent into the corner. Children have to learn first how it feels to be polite to them. They will feel that it feels good and then and only then they are able to say it from the heart. And each child learns different aspects of life at a different rate. Until then we can be more understanding and create a happy life around them.
I also noticed that even adults do not say Please and Thank you and sometimes even those adults expect it of the children. People are giving mixed messages but why do I have to make my child suffer from it. If I feel this is very important to me, and the child is able to understand, i will let him/her know that most people like other people to be polite. That is all I will do, I will not force children to accpt it as a rule but I trust them that they will do one day.
Who says what is appropiate? We adults make the rules. Children have no say. But children are above all human beings and they have a right to be treated like one. On the otherhand they are hear to learn (not to be taught) about life and to do so they need out help and understanding, love and respect. We cannot expect from them to behave like adults simply because they are inexperienced. Children learn a lot more in an environment that is loving and open and certainly in freedom.
Parenting is about guidance. Children learn and have a natural desire to learn. Unfortunately, adult have a selectiv view of what is 
important to learn and it usually differs with that of children. But I thought humans are free to choose what they want to learn, obviously adults use their power to decide and made them learn. To force children to something (or even adults) we naturally fight against it. And they learning suffers. If we “allow” a child to learn and recognise learning as to what it is, we get much greater and a more balanced result. Sometimes parents and other people think a child is bold (especially when hitting someone else or empty cupboards) but as a matter of fact, they are only learning. We cannot expect them to do everything perfect for the first time, they need practise. In case of a child hitting someone else, it is still respectful not only to consider the hitten child’s feeling but also the one who hit in the first place. Why not console the hitten child without words and explain to the other child what his action (without labelling it good or bad, which can be done to positive behaviour as well) caused someone else?
I hope I was able to let you see the whole thing differently. It is really rewarding to treat children respectfully as well as loving them unconditionally. Children do love us unconditionally, why cant we do it?
I am glad that there were people who categorised young human beings as children. It gives some older people a reason to bully them. Children are stamped as helpless and it allows adults to push them around, tell them what to do as well as change them. If one views children as helpless, children may become helpless which ultimately proofs that children should be changed. But children are not helpless; they are certainly not born helplessly. Babies do not walk, talk and do all the things we adults do but they are nevertheless not helpless. They know how to fight for survival. They communicate in their own beautiful way and it is our job as adults to decipher those messages. When we recognise and meet their needs and wishes or at least show them support even if do not recognise them, then they won’t be helpless. If that is not clear, children might adapt and end up helpless, because they have no choice as to rely on us completely. Then of course they are small and helpless, forget how to communicate and give up.
Learned helplessness, as a technical term in animal psychology and related human psychology, means a condition of a human being or an animal in which it has learned to behave helplessly, even when the opportunity is restored for it to help itself by avoiding an unpleasant or harmful circumstance to which it has been subjected.
And this can turn into a problem if “not meeting the needs” of children is used throughout childhood. As the child detach from parents when becoming a teenager, s/he may view themselves as helpless. But how can they make proper a decision on their own and be confident with them?
In my point of view children are human beings first and foremost. They are young and do not know the world as we do and therefore need help to get to know it. Needing help and being helpless may be similar but nevertheless different concepts. Being helpless is a result of someone refusing to help.
Young humans arrive from the same source or god. At least they come from a higher power and therefore no one gives us the right 
to change them and even take actions to do so; only to make our life easier. However, if we love someone dearly and this someone is also a mix of parental genes, why can we not just guide them through life? Everything else will fall into place, when we give them enough understanding, love, closeness, security, warmth, respect, trust and patience.
More importantly: When we have believe in a positive and happy life, we (and our children) will have a positive and happy life. When we believe our world is beautiful, we will live in a beautiful world.
Enjoy a living together with your children
First day back to school. And it is surprising how different the whole family is reacting to that fact. Laura cant wait to go back to see her friends but she said, she does not like playing in the yard, there are no toys and it is boring. Kilian permanently said, he doesn’t want to go. When I asked him what else he like to do, he said riding the bike. I was the only one who loved going back to school. Get out of the house and do something for the brain. After being sick so long I longed to be out, talking to others.
Sometimes I dont know why I even bother going to the college. There is not much that I learn from it. I suppose most of the things I was told I reject anyway or simply think differently. So what is the purpose of doing this course? At least I get a certificate at the end of this year claiming that I was busy for the last two years.
Anyway, I am playing with new ideas of how my future might look like. So there is at least hope that my current course was not for nothing. I was thinking of doing an additional course to become either a lactation consultant or a baby sling consultant ( or both ). And maybe even instead of working in a creche or with children, I could easily become a parent course instructor. I have the idea of providing a complete different kind of course for parents. I would like to discuss their childhood and how they “survived” it and discuss certain methods that are used to rear or worse discipline children such as punishments and reinforcements. Ok, I still like to bring my point across in this discussions that those methods are made to fail. That is the whole purpose of it but it helps if people actually come up with it themselves .
Thursday I have a appointment to see my further education and employment adviser. Just make sure what I have to do to make those dreams real.
Have a good night.
Aimee
One of my new year’s resolutions was to face my fear. The resolution is simply to give more love, to look other people into their eyes and give them a smile; a smile that shows my love for life. In my past I avoided eye contact, let along give a smile. I never felt confident in showing my pleasure and joy anyway. That is why I try my best this year to be open to my feelings and not be afraid of any rejections. I was simply afraid that I will not receive a smile back, that I am rejected all together and people could view me as worthless. But I have learned that these points are only my thoughts and those thoughts were not reality. I face reality now and know, that every one of us is equal and we all go the same way. It is just a matter of how we go this way; our thoughts lead us.
I want to give smiles to everybody, whether it be a woman or man, old or young, because I feel this way. I do not want to smile to receive smiles back, I want to smile because I simply want to smile. I want to smile, because it feels great to make others happy. And if they do not feel happy, there is not much more I can do about it.
Well, today was my first day out after New Year’s Eve. I was sick and did not feel like facing the world. I have to say, it was hard at first to look into other people’s eyes if one is not used to it. But it improved over the day. Still, I realised that I was not the only one being afraid of eye contact. There were plenty of people who did not dare to look into someone else face. I also notice that the people who smiles back at me where mostly old and children and there were more men than women who smiled back.
So, here are your smiles from me
Every single day, I try my best to live my life as it is. Not to dwell on my past, of what I have done wrong and not looking longingly into the future. Dwelling on my mistakes I did, means I miss out on the life there IS now. Looking longingly into the future is having hope of a better life and admit to myself that my life is dull at the moment, not worth living. If I start to think like that my life will be dull, not worth living it will be dull and not worth living. I create my life, I create my emotions. But why waste time on dwelling on something gone and not changeable anymore or on something that may not be there. I can work my way to the future but not through dreaming away my present.
So that’s what I am trying to do every single day and it is so hard sometime but at least I am woken up and can change my attitude towards it.
What or who brought my change about? Well, first of all it started when I questioned my own upbringing. I could see fault in but learned not to blame my parents. They simply did not know better and after all I turned out to be alright, never used drugs, never got violent. But I had some problems with myself, I am shy around certain people, I cannot show emotions (neither joy not pain) and I certainly could not talk about things openly. I was afraid people might not like me if they realise that I am different. The usual, I suppose.
Then I changed the way I wanted to bring up my own two darling children but that was not enough. Knowing in what to do and how to do it, not necessarily changed my attitude towards it. I understood it alright but my mind was telling me otherwise, I was still too much attached to my own upbringing. Around the same time I broke up with the dad of the children. This break-up catapulted me straight into self-help courses. They helped me in challenging my thinking. And then Stephen died. He changed my belief into god or 
source or whatever it is completely. I got help from friends in Germany who supported me with those spiritual things but I was not quite there yet to grasp the whole thing. I had ups and downs during this time. Stephen only opened my way of seeing his death as something different and not entirely hopeless. My cousin died months later and again I had god to guide me. But only last year autumn that I fully recognise my need of change if I want to raise my children as human being and value them entirely. I wanted to put my beliefs into actions that my children come from the same source as me and no one gives me the right to change them. I am honoured to be there to guide them through life and help them along and to develop to their full potential. I read books, saw films, talked to my friends and listened to audios by Eckhart Tolle, Robert Betz, Wayne Dyer and many more. So everyone who is fully interested in what brought my change about can look up those authors.
I have to say my overall well-being changed (if you don’t count my cold that I have since two weeks). I am aware of things and working on them. So anyone who know me be patient.
Just wanted to share my new idea of living. I will go there in February to feel the experience first hand and to decide ho I go about it in terms of living there.
